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Wednesday, January 9, 2019

How I'm Working Through the Loss of a Loved One

Hi y'all, so today I want to talk about a topic that I typically don't talk about. And when I say typically I really mean I don't talk about it at all. It's something that is really hard for me to even think about, let alone talk about. I haven't dealt with this topic in a very healthy way. Rather, I simply compartmentalize and compartmentalize and compartmentalize until I can't anymore. In the interest of my mental and emotional health, I have decided to use my writing to finally articulate what I have been feeling and how I've really been doing for the past several months. Alright, hang on tight everybody.
 
As many of you probably know I lost someone very close to me a little over four months ago. One of my best friends, Pierce, died in a car accident at the end of August. Anyone who knows Pierce and knows me can attest to how close we were (I definitely just typed 'are' instead of 'were' and had to correct myself). He was my best friend, my bro, my hubs, and all I needed in this life of sin. His death came very suddenly and unexpectedly and, up until this moment, I've dealt with it very privately and behind closed doors. I haven't spoken on it publicly, besides at the funeral, because I really find myself at a loss for words when I try to explain how I feel. It still seems surreal that I'm not able to call the first person in my favorites list or hear his voice or that our favorite songs make me cry instead of laugh. I've felt that I have to be strong for myself and for the people I love because that's what Pierce would have wanted. And I was fine for the most part; I had my moments by myself. However, as Thanksgiving was approaching and I was helping to plan a 'Friendsgiving' I realized that I no longer have one of the things I've been thankful for for the past five years. And y'all, I lost it. Lost all of it. At Friendsgiving. 


I thank my lucky stars for these four humans, not just through my meltdown at Friendsgiving (sorry y'all!), but everyday of my life. When I was on the floor of Erin's bedroom pretty much losing all of my marbles they were right there with me, each of them comforting me in their own unique way and just being there while I could barely talk through the tears. At one point Swiss, who is basically me within another person because we're born a week apart, said to me that he knew this was coming because I had been so strong and composed through this experience. Subconsciously, I probably knew it was coming too. Hell, y'all were probably all waiting on it. And it's honestly shocking how composed I had been since I'm typically VERY in touch with my emotions. I think it was easier to bury the sadness rather than to face it head on. And that wasn't working so I realized I needed to take another approach. I couldn't be invincible; I had to be human. These people, along with a few other important people in my life, are how I'm working through this loss. 

These people are the family I chose in college. We've been friends for almost nine years. We fight, we laugh, we make fun of each other, and most importantly, we love each other like a big, interracial batch of brothers and sisters. And Pierce was very much a part of our family. We miss him very, very much, but we also honor him by loving each other and being together as much as possible because that's one of the things Pierce taught us to do. Pierce loved like no other human I've ever met. He was one of those people I met and five minutes later we were laughing and joking like best friends. I miss and think about him everyday, most especially today as it would've been Pierce's 25th Birthday. 

To anyone who has ever lost someone, I commend you for your strength because loss is so damn hard. It takes courage in the pit of your soul some days to be okay and accept this loss. I never experienced anything like this until now, but I know others who have. I'm learning that this doesn't get better so much as it just becomes a new normal. And in my new normal I'm choosing to be the version of myself that I know Pierce saw in me, the best version of myself. And I encourage everyone affected by loss to try to do the same.

Happy Birthday Bro! As sure I am sitting here typing, I know you're throwing a big bash up there in heaven. I love you and I miss you.

8 comments:

  1. This was beautiful. You are stronger than you know for honestly sharing with the world how you are feeling. There are so many people that need to know that they don't have to hold it together all the time and sometimes the healthiest thing to do is to release the pain. If you need to cry, do it, if writing helps, write it out, if music helps, play it as loud as possible and even dance. You have the right to grieve in your own way whenever you feel the need. I felt the love you had and STILL have for your friend. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read this post! It was one that was difficult to write, but that I felt I needed to and I'm happy that I am able to be a voice for others through my writing. Thanks again!

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  2. Whew, this loss is definitely still surreal and when I got the news there were certain people who my heart broke for even more...you were one of them. I had witnessed your bond. Pierce is so proud of you for this. Happy Heavenly 25th, Pierce!

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    1. Thank you so much for reading this! And for your kind words! I really appreciate it.

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  3. I am soooooo proud of you!! I know this is a hard time for you and your close friends. Losing someone close is hard and a battle in itself. You took a great leap. Can’t wait to see you again for another friends get together with swiss!!

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    1. Thank you so much for reading this! I appreciate all of your support and am so thankful to have friends like you and Swiss!

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  4. Molly,
    Thank you for being in Pierce's life. I love this post and glad that through your words you can help all that are grieving. It will take some time to accept this and it is so tough getting through this. Pierce wants us happy, he wants us to be loving,kind and thoughtful in all we do.I thank you for this post,it was straight from the heart and everyone needed to hear this .

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  5. This poem has comforted me through the loss of my father and two of my brothers:

    You can shed tears that he is gone
    Or you can smile because he has lived

    You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
    Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left

    Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
    Or you can be full of the love that you shared

    You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
    Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

    You can remember him and only that he is gone
    Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on

    You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

    Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

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